So I’m going to share a lot of my heart today, my miscarriage story. How I felt in the moment, the truth about miscarriages and how to move forward.
This was written the day I got home from my D & C.
Life was perfect.
Nine weeks ago I got a positive pregnancy test- which lead to all the happy and excited feelings. We took family pictures to announce our growing family. We told close friends and all of our family. We were closing in on the final chapter in growing our family. Our boys were talking about how they only wanted a baby brother, they didn’t want a sister.
My first blood tests were great, my levels were increasing! Our family was finally going to be complete.
Then it wasn’t…
My ultrasound appointment was finally here, the moment your get to see a glimpse of your baby growing in your belly. It’s validation for the exhaustion and nausea.
Then I heard the words, “I cant find the baby…”
My heart sunk, that was it. I was frozen for the first time in my life. Nothing to say. No questions to ask.
As I get dressed and walk into the doctors office again, I am still in shock but forcing myself to be strong. Telling myself don’t cry… don’t cry…. hold it together.
I was angry.
I was sad.
I didn’t know what to think because this wasn’t on my radar of thoughts.
The few days of my life…blood tests, scans, scheduling.
Could my mind even comprehend more of digging into this miscarriage? The honest answer is no, the mom answer is yes. I continued to go to work everyday, played with my boys, went to see our friends that weekend.
My life may have been on hold, but it wasn’t.
In those days of moving forward I couldn’t stop thinking about my friends who had been through this. Was I a good enough friend to them in that moment – no, probably not. I felt the pain for them rush over my mind…
It’s almost “hard to see” a loss like this. For a friend that’s sad I see their sadness, but I didn’t understand. I hope by sharing my story we can all be better friends to those that need us.
The truth about miscarriages….
Did you know that miscarriages are very common, 3 million every year in the US.
Society tells us not to tell anyone else you are pregnant until after 12 weeks, but 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage before the first 12 weeks. So who do we have to talk to if we aren’t telling anyone?
In my mind we need our friends and family at this time now more than ever.
I need my people and they showed up more than I could ever thank them.
- My husband’s work gave him two days off without him asking and sent me flowers – these are people I never see or talk to.
- My dad and stepmom drove over and hour to take my youngest.
- My mom scooped up my oldest to keep him, but brought him back just to give me a hug after I got home from the hospital. ( the most thoughtful thing I have ever felt )
- My best friends sent flowers, made cookies, sent texts, listened to me cry while drinking too many cocktails.
- Countless messages from all our our besties that follow the babbling blondes – thank you.
It’s been endless love and support. What breaks my heart is that some women will endure this pain and loss alone.
I understand it’s everyone’s own choice to decide what they share. In my mind, share your heart with the ones you love. This is a time to share the joy and the sadness.
For someone going through this too….
You are not alone.
Your partner might not understand your physical pain, but the emotional pain is there and valid. Help support them too.
It’s okay to feel whatever emotions you want to feel.
Want to cry for 10 hours – Do it. Want to be so angry you want to scream – All for that too. Want to be happy and so thankful for all the happiness in your life outside of that moment – Tiny spurts of this help. Need to make some jokes – Girl find someone to laugh with.
There is nothing you did wrong in your pregnancy. It’s not the coffee, not the lunch meat, not the cocktail you had a day before your positive test. Healthy babies are born everyday to unhealthy moms- do not blame yourself.
It’s okay to want to try again soon or to take your time and try when you are mentally back on track.
If you want to celebrate your loss in a special way then do it. It’s your life & your rules. Do what makes your heart happy.
Take the time to grieve, but most importantly do what works for you.
Maybe take a mini break from social media – if you don’t all you will see is babies and pregnancy announcements.
I’ve been on this for a very short moment, but my heart is there for any mother. If you need resources, there are several at the bottom of this post from The March of Dimes
Stay strong and continue on your journey, but I promise it will get better.